What Actually Motivates Older Kids (Hint: It's Not Rewards)
Motivation doesn’t come from punishments, rewards, or lectures. It comes from nervous system safety and through trust.
Before I became a parent, I taught in some of the most under-resourced classrooms in the country. My first group of students included children who didn’t speak a word of English and worked at a fern farm at night. I had three who slept in a car. Rewards didn’t work. Punishments didn’t work. Lectures went nowhere. What did work? Creating a somatically safe environment with clear, consistent, embodied limits. Limits where kids 'just knew' there was a clear line.
I couldn’t “make” these kids behave. I couldn’t call home (no one answered), send them to detention (no one picked them up), or use gold star type of systems (they meant nothing). But I could control how I showed up. My calm body, my tone, my predictability, and my 100% follow-through became the structure they trusted. That’s how I got 100 kids to line up quietly on a field trip—not because I was strict, but because I was safe.
The same goes for parenting and it's how I get older kids especially motivated to do the high level of reading and writing work I expect at Conscious Tutoring. I know what level each student is capable of reaching next, the rigor at which we will work and I use fun, connection and trying to really see them as people to create safety around those standards. I really believe in them too and that matters. It actually matters way more than my fancy degrees or OG training.
A favorite resource of mine, Kelsie from The Occuplaytional Therapist, breaks it down beautifully:
“Limits are decisions about the environment or actions that you hold for the sake of the limit itself, not to control the child or win a power struggle.”
If your child is sensitive, anxious, intense, neurodivergent, gifted but has no motivation, or simply going through a tough time (hello, post-pandemic world), verbal-only limits will not land. Rewards will rarely move their needle. But there are other tools—ones I’ve used in the classroom and in my own home—that do work.
Here’s a practical approach you can try this week: 1. Replace “I want you to…” with a clear limit. Instead of: “I want you to go to bed.” Say: “It’s time for bed. I’m walking with you to make sure your device makes it to the dock in my room.” Then walk with them. Use your body. Lead.
Pair your words with action. Instruct them to sit for reading or study time in a spot that's in eye sight of where you are getting dinner ready. Keep the noise low. Redirect with a calm tone if you see them drifting off. Trust that they can do this. That it is important. The limit is not a threat—it’s a container.
Stay calm in your body. Kids borrow our nervous systems. If you’re spiraling and getting edgy, they will too.
Don’t argue with a cliff. If your child was walking off a literal cliff, you wouldn’t negotiate. Most limits are metaphorical cliffs—treat them like they matter for their own sake. They need to feel the value of the limit.
Include them when you can. Let them help make choices. Decide one part of a long weekend day. Choose the order of chores. Collaboration builds buy-in.
When kids know what to expect—and know they’re safe within it—they don’t need to be “motivated.” They move forward because they trust the process. They also move forward through your general belief that despite their challenges, "they'll be just fine". This kind of parenting will open lots of doors to better relationships with your kids which will just add more to their motivation and trust buckets.
My sessions aren’t about pushing harder—they’re about building capacity, scaffolding effort, and getting your child’s whole system on board.
🌞 Summer tutoring spots are now open! Summer is really good this year - it's a fit for my school year students and students looking for creative enrichment or to get some college readiness work finished. I am offering flexible 1-1 sessions in reading, writing, and executive function—plus a new split-payment option to make it easier for families to join. Limited spots available.
If you’re ready to secure a spot, visit this SUMMER ENROLLMENT page which will allow you to check out and purchase the summer program with the link at the bottom of the page. If you prefer a two payment plan just email me and I will send you that link!
Have questions? Send a text to (678) 807-9621. Let’s make this summer both productive and memorable for your child!
